Things I Have Learned in the Fire.
2016. By far the most difficult year of my life.
Now, I've been through quite a few things in my lifetime, from almost losing my father and 2 siblings, to being verbally, emotionally and sexually abused. But there is just something about this year that has got me feeling like I have never struggled like this in my life before.
This is my first blog post in over 2 months.
It's mainly because in the span of about 6 weeks I died, my life was destroyed, my house became a desert, and I lived to tell the story (that's actually far from complete).
In 2007, Halle Berry starred in a movie called "Things We Lost in the Fire" alongside Benecio Del Toro. In the movie Audrey's (Berry) husband dies and to try and find some comfort she finds his childhood best friend Jerry (Del Toro). In an attempt to feel somewhat close to her lost love, Audrey welcomes Jerry into their home with her children despite his apparent drug addiction.
(Audrey pictured with husband in film - Paramount Pictures, 2007)
Over time, they realize they need each other more than they understand in the absence of the person they loved most.
Something like this happened to me...well not really.
No one is LITERALLY dead, but the pain that was caused would make you believe someone was riding in a fancy limo, dressed in all black.
Instead of focusing on what I lost in this firestorm of life, mistakes, and foolishness, I want to celebrate my growth in this very necessary valley. I'm focusing on things I learned in the fire.
Now before I lick my fingers to singe out this last ember, let me say this journey is far from over. There are still plenty of lessons to learn from my present season. But it would be an injustice to my calling to deny the lessons I have come across.
I have 3 key lessons I have learned while being engulfed in flames.
1. Don't put your trust in man
In 2012 I met (well, re-met) my husband.
We had known each other our whole lives. Our parents had went to college together and we were 6 months apart, almost to the date. It would only make sense that we would end up together.
Throughout childhood we crushed, dreamed about each other, played "house" and hoped that one day we could actually have something legit. Eventually, we did...then we didn't.
3 years, 1 child and a few hardships later, my husband came home to tell me he had fallen in love with another woman.
"She's everything you're not." he said.
He was my world and in an instant he dropped a nuclear blast on my entire existence.
I couldn't breathe for 3 weeks straight.
I couldn't care for my daughter, let alone wash my hair and dress.
As the pain subsided I realized something. Of course this man was the love of my life, my dream since 12, but I was perplexed searching for the moment when he became my god.
What makes someone a God?
I translate it like this; someone (or something) becomes a God when you truly believe it/they can do something you KNOW only God can.
Bam.
I believed my husband could fulfill me. I believed my husband would define my purpose of living. I believed my husband had the keys to the universe (basically).
And you'd be surprised at how many things (or people) you think can do the same.
The moment my husband let me down (in the worst way) was the moment I lost trust in humanity.
At first it was out of hurt and bitterness, but as God began to reveal His purpose for me in this fire, my heart softened. I realized that I had turned away from The One who created my heart. So, of course, I was destined to fail by going ANY other route.
As time progressed and I actually took steps toward forgiveness and restoration, I found myself reminded of this concept over and over.
I trusted my friends to be okay with the decision to forgive my husbands mistakes, stay, and work on our marriage.
I trusted my family to treat my husband like the brother and son they had grown (and worked) to love no differently than before.
I even trusted myself to quickly forgive my husband and walk hand-in-hand with him into the sunset.
The bible says in Isaiah 2:22 (NLT) "Don't put your trust in mere humans. They are as frail as breath. What good are they?"
You can trust humans just as much as you can trust a trick candle to go out the first blow.
Shame.
I've learned that people, just like you (in case you forgot) are flawed, have dirty hearts, and always care for themselves first. It's just our nature. It doesn't mean that we love any less, we just have to know what (or who) we are working with.
AH! But there is One we can trust. We can trust that He already has our lives planned out. We can trust that His love never changes and there is nothing we can do to stop it. We can also trust that we will never fully understand His love because it is so much of it JUST for us.
Lesson 1:
Don't trust people; trust God instead. He's better anyway.
2. Let the chips land where they fall
I am the oldest of seven. I have a daughter and a husband. I am a secret Type A perfectionist.
Without saying too many words, I like being in control.
But it's a little difficult to be in control when your life is constantly spinning JUST outside of that line.
Life has a way of repeating itself and because (we like to think) we are intelligent creatures, we believe we can predict our next steps in life. But if you know you are divinely purposed for something great (which you are) life makes it very clear that it is unpredictable.
One of the most important things I have learned is that you have to let go of control especially of the unpredictable.
Let's say the news report tells you on your wedding day - you know the one YOU PLANNED for months with the outside gazebo and white dove release - is going to get rained on.
Are you going to force your control on the weather and make your guests carry umbrellas to watch you wed?
I know you're not that power hungry.
Besides, no one would show up to ruin their good clothes, make-up, and hair so you can have the ceremony you dreamed of.
Sometimes your plan for your life is the WORST. Not only for you, but everyone around you. If you are so set on what you want, the people God as has assigned to you will never receive what they need to live.
The people of God are intertwined. We are a body. We need each other. If there is a broken leg that wants to stay broken, the body will never stand strong.
Let life happen.
When life happens the way God designs it, pitfalls and all, it becomes a perfect disaster RIPE for His glory to shine through it.
LET IT GO.
But why?
Here's another good reason: You never had hold on it anyway.
This goes for relationships (mainly friendships) too.
Recently, I have found myself letting go of a lot of them. These relationships were full of potential:
Intimately: I felt understood - until the "understanding" reached a point of "Christian, you're crazy. That's not going to work. I don't have time for that, I'm out."
Business-wise: We helped/benefitted each other - "there is a mutual benefit until you start to surpass me. Now I have to watch you and take everything you are giving to me as mine, only to give you a smile in return (more like you got THE JUICE, so imma hang around until I don't need you anymore)."
... I was seemingly happy until God himself started tearing them apart. I was really confused on why these "perfect" relationships were falling apart.
"God, they are creative!"
"God, they are cute!" (you girls know ya'll want ya'll friends to be fly)
"God they are business-minded!"
- "But they aren't who I have for you. I have set you apart (1 Pet. 2:9). These people are not on the spiritual/mental level you need in your life. They have things in their heart that can contaminate what I have in yours (Prov. 4:23)."
But God telling me this wasn't enough. In my sadness and desire to not be alone - with my own filthy heart and my own problems- I tried to force it anyway.
Do you know when you try to force something it just ultimately makes you look desperate?
Like REALLY desperate, hunny.
Let that relationship, job, career move fall apart.
Pastor Ron Gibson from Preachers of LA said it best.
"Your setback is a set-up for a COMEBACK!"
Here's something else; God is waiting for you to not only let it go, but GIVE IT TO HIM.
It's like pushing a door that clearly says pull. You're pushing and pushing and God is just waiting for you to say, "Okay God, you try this door. I can't figure it out." Then is pulls it open.
WIDE OPEN.
Let me remind you of Romans 8:28 - "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a] have been called according to his purpose."
Lesson 2: So you love Him? Let it go. Let Him have it and watch what happens.
3. Get Comfy
My husband cheated on me. Subsequently, he quit his job. Shortly after, I lost my job, then our car broke down - this is NOT an exaggeration.
Life sucks...BAD.
But guess what?
Overall, I am pretty comfortable.
I am not trusting in anyone, but God. I am letting life happen around me knowing it is being orchestrated by The Creator of the universe. I know He's got me.
What's being worked up about this season going to do?
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING...
Nothing at all, but give me stress that God so lovingly wants to take away from me (1 Pet. 5:7).
If I don't get comfortable here I'll never get out of here.
Focusing on anything else outside of what is going on between God and I in this fire will cause me to be in the fire forever.
I have to be comfortable with the pain, the lack of communication from outside sources, the loneliness..
I have to become solely dependent on God.
If you are called (and you are) there will be a time when God strips you of everything that was placed where He is supposed to be. When that happens, get comfy. It's a really great spot.
My favorite scripture, and the foundation for this blog is Matthew 6:33.
"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."
So God gave you a vision. You made your OWN plan and thought God was on board.
He reminds you of His plan by destroying yours, then tells you to be satisfied with him. He's planning the biggest comeback of your life.
Have faith in that.
Lesson 3: Get comfy, and enjoy the ride. It's gonna be a beautiful one.
Yeah, the fire. It burns. It stings.
But people also neglect to mention that it consumes.
It creates space.
One thing God told me in my journey was, "I am destroying everything around you so I can give everything to you BRAND NEW."
Will it be in my time?
Highly doubtful.
But I do have full faith that everything that the locust has eaten will be returned to me (Joel 2:25). It'll come when I can manage it and everything else around me.
Until then, I'll keep learning.
Burn fire, burn.
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